When we hear the word bully we think of school days. One would think that as people mature and progress through life that they would stop behaviors of their youth. Unfortunately this is not always true. And sadly to say just like children or teenagers, adult bullies very much exists. I unfortunately know this first hand. I deal with some bullies in my life. And honestly it’s very childish but makes things very hard for me at times. Bullies often are lacking in the empathy necessary to respond appropriately to how people feel. They are obsessed with power and domination. They want to feel important, preferred, and feel accomplish by bringing others down. They need to have things their way. It kind of reminds me of a vampire in a horror movie. Not a twilight fairy, or from some TV show now days (like the vampire diaries although I do love that show lol) but more like a horror \ Dracula vampire. They are the predator and I am the pray. Although it’s my emotional well being they want rather then my blood. (But I believe that would make them happy as well) they seek to drain me until I have nothing left to give. Healthy adults know that individuals are to be respected, that everyone has strengths, feelings, and a need to fit in and be appreciated. Adult bullies never accept this. So how do you deal with an adult bully? We should all be adults here, but that is not the case. When we were in school we would have access to teachers or other authority to help us combat bullying, but as adults getting help is much harder. First if this person is not someone you have to deal with, then kick them out of your life. Plain and simple. Do not allow them access to you or your family. But that is not always the case. What if your bully is a co-worker, neighbor, family member, spouse or other parent of your child\children? What if you have to deal with them? My bullies I have to deal with. So how do I cope? How do I set an example for my children? I do not always make the best choices with dealing with them, but this is very draining. I am ashamed but admit to allowing their tear downs towards me have caused me mental health problems that I had to go get help for. I am learning that I have to constantly have to build myself up with self confidence. Do things for myself cause I am always getting the … I’m a horrible mother, bad person, failure, don’t make enough money, can’t buy my kids everything I should, and so on. I even deal with attacks to my finances in any way they can and damage to my car (window was bashed in and more) All this and more every time I turn around takes a toll on my health, finances and affects my children. I have to remind myself all the time that I am a good person, good mother, and being a single mother with not only trying to make it through life but have to deal with this constant attack, I think I am doing a great job. I am not prefect, but doing my best. I also remind myself that this is not just about me, but their inability to relate to me as a fellow human being. And now I never expect them to. Or to ever admit to any wrong doing. I tried to reason and get them to understand the affects they were having on my and my kids. But either they would deny any wrong doing or come up with some lie to justify their actions. Still tried to blame me for their actions and put me down. Then they would take the discussion into unrelated tangents. So now when I have to approach a subject I don’t try and use any emotion or try and get them to care, it’s not going to happen. I stick close to the facts and think carefully to what I’m about to say. There are several different types of adult bullies. Narcissistic Bullies: are very self centered and does not share empathy with others. They feel good about him or herself but in reality has a brittle narcissism that requires putting others down. Impulsive Bullies: are more spontaneous even if consequences are likely. This adult bully has a hard time restraining his or her behavior. They will act our more ten under stress in their lives. Physical Bullies: This is not just actions of physical harm but may use the threat of harm, or physical domination. They may attack by stealing, damaging victim’s property or cause damage to finances of any kind they can. Verbal Bullies: will start rumors or use sarcastic or demeaning language to dominate or humiliate another person. This type of bullying also has the advantage – to the bully- of being difficult to document. How ever, the emotional and psychological impacts of verbal bullying can result in depression or other mental health problems. Serial Bullies: convincing practiced liar. Will make anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment. Has a Jekyll and Hyde nature. Is vile, vicious, and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses. No one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature. While language and intellect may appear to be that of an adult, the bully displays the emotional age of a five year old. Control freak and needs to control everything you do, say, think, or believe. Then to abuse a position of power. Repeatedly gives underserved criticism. Uses verbal or\and physical abuse. Have excessive and unrealistic expectations. Repeats insults and threats. Abuses the right and dignity of the victim. Is very toxic to ones emotional health. So how do you deal with an Adult bully? Here are some things I do and found from looking into help for myself. 1st: Remember, everyone is responsible for their actions and how they choose to treat others. Try not to act on the anger they cause you, easier said then done, but a reaction such as this will only prove to the bully that they succeeded in getting to you. That’s what they want. They feed off negative emotions because deep down in some way they feel inferior/insecure themselves. 2: avoid any contact other then what has to happen. Due to work or kids. What ever the connection is, but keep it like a business contact. Keep just to the point. 3: Watch what you say. They are always looking for any means to make themselves look good at your expense. They try and get you to open up, and spill intimate details about yourself that they can use against you later. 4: Try and be kind to them but also firm. Give them assertive responses. This can include assertive body language. Give your answer or response and don’t allow yourself to argue with them. Be clear and firm with out sounding threatening. 5: Pay no attention to crazy talk. Once they start the name calling or insults or any form of interaction that harms you or puts you down back away. I leave; stop talking or texting or what ever I need to do to end it. Don’t take the bait to argue like a child back. And never let there abnormal outlook on like define what normal should mean to you. 6: Always document the behavior as well as you can. Try and have witnesses. And seek help. No one deserves to be treated this way. There are different ways to get help. Call the police. Get a restraining order, can be hard if the abuse is only verbal but keeping records can help with this. If at work go to Human Resources. Seek help in support groups or others also dealing with adult bullies. Talk to a counselor. And if you experience any signs of mental health problems, don’t wait to see a doctor. This is a very real problem and untreated can cause problems in your life but also the life’s of those around you that do love you. Don’t let them win. This is still YOUR life 