Then the time came when the risk it took to reman tight in a bud was more painful then the risk it took to blossom - Anais Nin

My heart has been through so much in this life. So old and scared but also still so young. But what is in a woman’s heart. What does it mean to be a woman? How can I be strong without being harsh, or vulnerable with out drowning in insecurity or sorrow? And this feeling of not being good enough or too much at the same time….. Not pretty, thin, kind, gracious, disciplined enough…. but to emotional, needy, sensitive, strong, opinionated, messy….. Maybe if I was better, what ever that means, life would not be so hard. Maybe I would not struggle so much, and less sorrow in my heart. To be special in a mans eyes and not just lust. Not to be the second place woman, the one not good enough to be by his side, but offers to be a replacement for what he is not getting, or just a fun time. I don’t want to be seen as just a temporary need. And I have this desire to see and understand my heart, because the core of who we are is in our hearts. “Above all else, guard your hearts, for it is the wellspring of life” Prov. 4:23 . So if I want others to see me the ways I want then what do I need to do for myself? Little girls often play princess games and dream of being rescued, and girls/ladies adore love stories, but I don’t fit in this. I was a G.I.Joe as a kid, fighting for freedom and even died a few times. I love and am all about action and horror stories. And don't even get me started on Syfy. I am a woman, but women can also be warriors, not just pretty princess. Look at the women in The Lord of the Rings. They are valiant and beautiful. They help change the fate of Middle Earth. Or Hermione from Harry Potter. Smart and grows into beauty, but stands and fights with her friends till the end. Or Ginny or Molly Weasley. She was a wife and homemaker but would never stand down and fought for her family and even took on Bellatrix Lestrange. Or Sarah from Sarah’s Key, A little girl escaping the Nazis and never gives up to save her little brother. These women, or girls, did not just stay in the kitchen or be used by men. And they are irreplaceable. I love adventures of all kinds. God made my heart this way, but I also want to be beautiful. Sometimes I am ok with being strong and alone, but I think that is because my heart has been so hurt, and I’m tired of being approached the wrong way, or feeling like I am the back up plan. And I know I have made some wrong turns myself. But I want to be an irreplaceable part of a shared adventure. Until God leads that man to me, a man that can pursue me (cause he is single and ready for pursuing) that will have passion and desire for me, I will stand alone. And as I wait, I am embarking on a journey to restore and release this women I am long to be. Discover more of who I am, the woman God made me to be. I am not saying I am not happy. I am so happy and love my life and kids, but have this deep desire to explore more about my heart. Work on thing I need to change or discover. To grow in this passion to be Powerful and Captivating. I want to be stronger and closer to God, and find more of myself and not only to be an example of a independent woman to my daughters but help them on there journeys also. And maybe someday have someone to share this adventure with, but until then I will discover more of me. This is my blog along the way of my new adventure.