I don’t think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains.

A year ago this month my life was totally different. I was at, or close to, the bottom of a downward spiral that almost took my life. I had been slipping into a person I am ashamed of. Someone I hated so very much. I had been through so much pain and hard times and Illness that I just waned it all to end. I friended people that stabbed me in the back and used me, and lost a lot of good friends. My illness was at its worst, and while I was going through a hard time people started kicking me while I was down. Who enjoyed in seeing my pain and destruction. I almost lost everything. I became so depressed and was so lost. I never felt so lonely, so out of control. I looked in the mirror and did not know who was looking back. I was slipping fast to devastation. The struggle of everyday life, paying bills, kids, working all the time, in and out of the hospital, in court again with my ex, fighting for my kids at the worst time of my life, trying to kill away the pain. I could not take it anymore. I broke. My life had been like millions of screams 24/7 in my head. Constant screaming…. Rejection, abuse, failure, it never stopped. Awful things happened, some from my own choices and some from the hands of others. I was living a nightmare and no one could hear me scream. I gave up. I hated myself. If only I was prettier, or smarter, could have offered more then I would not be alone, to be hard and swallow my tears. Maybe if I had made better choices I would not be down this road. Maybe the kids would be better off without me. Yes they would be better off with out me. What kind of mother am I. I need to put an end to this life. “What have I become…. My sweetest friend…. Everyone I know goes away in the end…. And you can have it all…. My empire of dirt…. I will let you down… I will make you hurt.” I close my eyes to the last night of my life. The screams stop. Everything is still. Darkness everywhere…. Then I open my eyes. The sun is up, I am here? Here in my room….. I look over on my nightstand to see a note left by my daughter before they left for there dads the afternoon before. It reads… Dear mom, I know you’re going through a hard time and I am sorry you are not feeling well, but I want you to know I love you. Tears begin to fall. Real tears. Not drunken tears or lonely tears but healing tears. I ask God…. Why am I still here? I am nothing. I failed… why? I can’t even put in words the feeling I felt right at that time, but I was overcome with peace. Peace I have not felt in such a long time. I cried all morning. Tears from a young girl that was so frightened, from a teenager that was rejected, a woman left alone in life that forgot her dreams. Tears of healing. And that was the first day of a new life, a new road. A very hard road to come, but I don’t walk it alone. My Father never left me, even though I believed He did. I had to start making some huge changes in my life. Very hard changes. I left my job, which was enabling me. Left a lot of friends. Started talking to my mom again. Finding a church. Moving forward was hard and life is still not easy, but looking back I have made it through so much. Court was hard but we have split custody. Lots of doctors and another scary hospital stay. Loved and lost, but am pregnant with this wonderful little girl. My reminder of new life. My house again is filled with laughter, family, love, joy, peace (well when my hormone daughters are not fighting lol) I still have a long road to go and always will. But I have so many new plans like going back to school next year. And everyday I look back I see how strong I almost forgot I was, and blessed for those that never gave up on me and helped me with faithful hearts. And so thankful for a God who still sees something in me. I hate that I went down that path, which my kids had to watch. Sometimes I wake from nightmares from that time, and I rebuke them. I am no longer that person. I woke up that morning never to be the same again. I am a survivor and will always keep going.