When we hear the word bully we think of school days. One would think that as people mature and progress through life that they would stop behaviors of their youth. Unfortunately this is not always true. And sadly to say just like children or teenagers, adult bullies very much exists. I unfortunately know this first hand. I deal with some bullies in my life. And honestly it’s very childish but makes things very hard for me at times. Bullies often are lacking in the empathy necessary to respond appropriately to how people feel. They are obsessed with power and domination. They want to feel important, preferred, and feel accomplish by bringing others down. They need to have things their way. It kind of reminds me of a vampire in a horror movie. Not a twilight fairy, or from some TV show now days (like the vampire diaries although I do love that show lol) but more like a horror \ Dracula vampire. They are the predator and I am the pray. Although it’s my emotional well being they want rather then my blood. (But I believe that would make them happy as well) they seek to drain me until I have nothing left to give. Healthy adults know that individuals are to be respected, that everyone has strengths, feelings, and a need to fit in and be appreciated. Adult bullies never accept this. So how do you deal with an adult bully? We should all be adults here, but that is not the case. When we were in school we would have access to teachers or other authority to help us combat bullying, but as adults getting help is much harder. First if this person is not someone you have to deal with, then kick them out of your life. Plain and simple. Do not allow them access to you or your family. But that is not always the case. What if your bully is a co-worker, neighbor, family member, spouse or other parent of your child\children? What if you have to deal with them? My bullies I have to deal with. So how do I cope? How do I set an example for my children? I do not always make the best choices with dealing with them, but this is very draining. I am ashamed but admit to allowing their tear downs towards me have caused me mental health problems that I had to go get help for. I am learning that I have to constantly have to build myself up with self confidence. Do things for myself cause I am always getting the … I’m a horrible mother, bad person, failure, don’t make enough money, can’t buy my kids everything I should, and so on. I even deal with attacks to my finances in any way they can and damage to my car (window was bashed in and more) All this and more every time I turn around takes a toll on my health, finances and affects my children. I have to remind myself all the time that I am a good person, good mother, and being a single mother with not only trying to make it through life but have to deal with this constant attack, I think I am doing a great job. I am not prefect, but doing my best. I also remind myself that this is not just about me, but their inability to relate to me as a fellow human being. And now I never expect them to. Or to ever admit to any wrong doing. I tried to reason and get them to understand the affects they were having on my and my kids. But either they would deny any wrong doing or come up with some lie to justify their actions. Still tried to blame me for their actions and put me down. Then they would take the discussion into unrelated tangents. So now when I have to approach a subject I don’t try and use any emotion or try and get them to care, it’s not going to happen. I stick close to the facts and think carefully to what I’m about to say. There are several different types of adult bullies. Narcissistic Bullies: are very self centered and does not share empathy with others. They feel good about him or herself but in reality has a brittle narcissism that requires putting others down. Impulsive Bullies: are more spontaneous even if consequences are likely. This adult bully has a hard time restraining his or her behavior. They will act our more ten under stress in their lives. Physical Bullies: This is not just actions of physical harm but may use the threat of harm, or physical domination. They may attack by stealing, damaging victim’s property or cause damage to finances of any kind they can. Verbal Bullies: will start rumors or use sarcastic or demeaning language to dominate or humiliate another person. This type of bullying also has the advantage – to the bully- of being difficult to document. How ever, the emotional and psychological impacts of verbal bullying can result in depression or other mental health problems. Serial Bullies: convincing practiced liar. Will make anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment. Has a Jekyll and Hyde nature. Is vile, vicious, and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses. No one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature. While language and intellect may appear to be that of an adult, the bully displays the emotional age of a five year old. Control freak and needs to control everything you do, say, think, or believe. Then to abuse a position of power. Repeatedly gives underserved criticism. Uses verbal or\and physical abuse. Have excessive and unrealistic expectations. Repeats insults and threats. Abuses the right and dignity of the victim. Is very toxic to ones emotional health. So how do you deal with an Adult bully? Here are some things I do and found from looking into help for myself. 1st: Remember, everyone is responsible for their actions and how they choose to treat others. Try not to act on the anger they cause you, easier said then done, but a reaction such as this will only prove to the bully that they succeeded in getting to you. That’s what they want. They feed off negative emotions because deep down in some way they feel inferior/insecure themselves. 2: avoid any contact other then what has to happen. Due to work or kids. What ever the connection is, but keep it like a business contact. Keep just to the point. 3: Watch what you say. They are always looking for any means to make themselves look good at your expense. They try and get you to open up, and spill intimate details about yourself that they can use against you later. 4: Try and be kind to them but also firm. Give them assertive responses. This can include assertive body language. Give your answer or response and don’t allow yourself to argue with them. Be clear and firm with out sounding threatening. 5: Pay no attention to crazy talk. Once they start the name calling or insults or any form of interaction that harms you or puts you down back away. I leave; stop talking or texting or what ever I need to do to end it. Don’t take the bait to argue like a child back. And never let there abnormal outlook on like define what normal should mean to you. 6: Always document the behavior as well as you can. Try and have witnesses. And seek help. No one deserves to be treated this way. There are different ways to get help. Call the police. Get a restraining order, can be hard if the abuse is only verbal but keeping records can help with this. If at work go to Human Resources. Seek help in support groups or others also dealing with adult bullies. Talk to a counselor. And if you experience any signs of mental health problems, don’t wait to see a doctor. This is a very real problem and untreated can cause problems in your life but also the life’s of those around you that do love you. Don’t let them win. This is still YOUR life 

Beauty speak, Beauty invites, Beauty nourishes, Beauty conforts, Beauty inspires, Beauty is transcendent.

So I am working everyday in restoring the beauty of my soul, but this does not come easy. Everyday I learn more ways to handle the stress of life. But sometimes people are the ones that make things hard. I have some people in my life that try and make things as hard as they can for me, try and upset me, and want to fight with me over everything. Some people are filled with so much anger and hurt they must hurt others to feel better about them selves. Before I started to hate them. Hate their actions towards me. I fought back and found myself playing the same games. Friends got tired of hearing me complain. This was not making me beautiful or captivating. This was filling me with anger, restlessness, and bitterness. Their is nothing beautiful in upset moody hateful woman. That is what they call a Bitch! lol So I have been working so hard on not allowing people to upset me as much. Doing much better with not arguing back, picking my battles with what’s really important. Trying to show love. And by no means am I saying being a doormat, but I'm learning it is so much easier to be a bitch. To have to be right. To argue about everything cause for some reason we think that says we are strong and stand our grounds, but it is lies. We are lying to our hearts and really just looking like a hot mess bitch. Think about it.... Say a woman needs some kind of work done, but treats everyone with being crabby, complaining, yelling and throwing a grown woman fit about everything. When it is done no one says... wow she is an amazing woman and I thing I learned something from her. No they say Glad I am done working with that bitch. Is this what we want to leave on peoples lives? But a woman that conducts herself with strength but also with love, that can be productive but caring are woman that earn respect. Respect not from fear or hate, but respect from showing true strength. I am finding that letting it go, not texting back to an upsetting text (maybe having to put my phone down or off, deep breaths and praying on how I want to really respond) letting others believe what they want and not worrying about stupid little things. Trying to be more understanding of others and showing love in many ways. Turning the other cheek takes a lot more strength. Then when it is really important, I am able to handle the problem in a much calmer matter. And this has brought me more peace and I am happier. In a prefect world (like our moms taught us, being kind to others that hurt us blah blah) this would make everything better. Wrong! Sometimes people still want to do anything they can to hurt you. Maybe because they are hurting or just going through a hard time them selves. But it seems like they pick times when I am already going through a lot (they enjoy the kick while down attack) “like being pregnant, no help, on bedrest to keep my baby alive and healthy" and BOOM! How do I keep this up with out bitterness filling my heart? How do I be beautiful and captivating through this? This was my prayer this morning. But I do believe a warrior can also be graceful, and loving while battling for her family. I believe I can be strong with out being a bitch. I stand on my grounds on what is best for my family, keep my baby safe. Take every step needed to make sure I'm in the right with the law and in Gods eyes in doing what is best for my family. And I will not argue or turn blame or spit hate. I will deal with what I have to. I find myself praying for them because I feel so much hate and anger in them; their words shoot venom at me. I am often the target of their anger, but no longer will let it tear me down. Until they find the peace and love their hearts are searching for this will continue. And what I use to hate I no longer. I feel sorry for them. Times are about to get even harder for my kids and I at the hands of others, but God will bring us through this and I will find more love and forgiveness. This I believe is learning more about true strength. Love is powerful. I can't control others or the things they try and do, but I can control my own actions. I stand for what is right, not fight for what I think should be my way. I like what Harry Potter says to Lord Voldemort as he is trying to take over Harry..... You're the weak one.... and you'll never know love or friendship, and I feel sorry for you.... This was a point when Harry refused to allow hate to become in him and make him like Voldemort, because love is always stronger. So as I go through this season in life, I want to be seen s a beautiful soul, covered in captivating armor with beauty that speaks, that invites, that nourishes, that comforts, that inspires, Beauty that shines. Love that is strong.

I don’t think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains.

A year ago this month my life was totally different. I was at, or close to, the bottom of a downward spiral that almost took my life. I had been slipping into a person I am ashamed of. Someone I hated so very much. I had been through so much pain and hard times and Illness that I just waned it all to end. I friended people that stabbed me in the back and used me, and lost a lot of good friends. My illness was at its worst, and while I was going through a hard time people started kicking me while I was down. Who enjoyed in seeing my pain and destruction. I almost lost everything. I became so depressed and was so lost. I never felt so lonely, so out of control. I looked in the mirror and did not know who was looking back. I was slipping fast to devastation. The struggle of everyday life, paying bills, kids, working all the time, in and out of the hospital, in court again with my ex, fighting for my kids at the worst time of my life, trying to kill away the pain. I could not take it anymore. I broke. My life had been like millions of screams 24/7 in my head. Constant screaming…. Rejection, abuse, failure, it never stopped. Awful things happened, some from my own choices and some from the hands of others. I was living a nightmare and no one could hear me scream. I gave up. I hated myself. If only I was prettier, or smarter, could have offered more then I would not be alone, to be hard and swallow my tears. Maybe if I had made better choices I would not be down this road. Maybe the kids would be better off without me. Yes they would be better off with out me. What kind of mother am I. I need to put an end to this life. “What have I become…. My sweetest friend…. Everyone I know goes away in the end…. And you can have it all…. My empire of dirt…. I will let you down… I will make you hurt.” I close my eyes to the last night of my life. The screams stop. Everything is still. Darkness everywhere…. Then I open my eyes. The sun is up, I am here? Here in my room….. I look over on my nightstand to see a note left by my daughter before they left for there dads the afternoon before. It reads… Dear mom, I know you’re going through a hard time and I am sorry you are not feeling well, but I want you to know I love you. Tears begin to fall. Real tears. Not drunken tears or lonely tears but healing tears. I ask God…. Why am I still here? I am nothing. I failed… why? I can’t even put in words the feeling I felt right at that time, but I was overcome with peace. Peace I have not felt in such a long time. I cried all morning. Tears from a young girl that was so frightened, from a teenager that was rejected, a woman left alone in life that forgot her dreams. Tears of healing. And that was the first day of a new life, a new road. A very hard road to come, but I don’t walk it alone. My Father never left me, even though I believed He did. I had to start making some huge changes in my life. Very hard changes. I left my job, which was enabling me. Left a lot of friends. Started talking to my mom again. Finding a church. Moving forward was hard and life is still not easy, but looking back I have made it through so much. Court was hard but we have split custody. Lots of doctors and another scary hospital stay. Loved and lost, but am pregnant with this wonderful little girl. My reminder of new life. My house again is filled with laughter, family, love, joy, peace (well when my hormone daughters are not fighting lol) I still have a long road to go and always will. But I have so many new plans like going back to school next year. And everyday I look back I see how strong I almost forgot I was, and blessed for those that never gave up on me and helped me with faithful hearts. And so thankful for a God who still sees something in me. I hate that I went down that path, which my kids had to watch. Sometimes I wake from nightmares from that time, and I rebuke them. I am no longer that person. I woke up that morning never to be the same again. I am a survivor and will always keep going.

“You do what you want cause I’m not what you wanted…. now that I’m sitting here thinking it through, never been anywhere cold as you”

The greatest crimes do not arise from a want of feeling for others but from an over-sensibility for ourselves and an over-indulgence to our own desires

We all love to indulge in something we like. When we are down it makes us feel better to go shopping, eat something ( like candy apples lol) or go out with friends. Indulgence make us feel better for a while, but when we use it the wrong way we feel the need to indulge again. To cover pain, numb our aches, and can turn into a addiction. That can quickly turn like cancer to our soul. Becoming attached, or addicted can imprison us. So what do I indulge in to make myself feel better? People indulge in so many different things….. like….. spending money, gambling, bingeing, shopping, drinking, working, cleaning, exercising, drugs, lovers… o the list goes on. But I think my temporary fix for awhile was attention. Who does not like attention, being flirted with? It makes you feel pretty. And being a single mom of 4 kids I do enjoy this attention. Especially when my kids see it and are grossed out, because some guy is flirting with mom, or they try and embarrass me hahaha. This is definitely a pick me up. But sometimes is a problem. Something that’s been upsetting me. Because I seem to attract a lot of men that are not single. Not that every guy that approaches me is, but a lot are. At first I admit it’s flattering, but the more it happens, and the more i think about it the more awful I feel. And such a empty feeling it leaves. They are not really saying that I’m special, or I’m the one. He is not trying to cheat with me because I’m so good, but because I’m not good enough to the “THE” woman. He does not see me as lifetime, but only a good time. "Other" woman = Overplayed Toy He Eventually Releases. And even if he does really mean… i no longer loved her, I’m leaving her… I’m I just the back up plan, or the rebound? And if they really do want to get to know me, would they not wait till they are single and healed from the last relationship before perusing me? Don’t I deserve that? So why do I keep attracting these men? Now some of my best friends are men, some married or with someone that respect me and love me, and don’t act like this. But this is something that is bothering me. I don’t want to be a temporary fill to men, so what am I doing wrong? Do I like the attention so much that I allow it from just anyone? This is not what I want. Yes I do want to feel pretty, and attractive, but also want respect. Has this become a addiction? Maybe I need to check where my heart is. What can I do to help myself. I do want attention but from a single man that wants to get to know me, not use me, but respect me. The more I search I find myself back at god. My sister posted on her fb page…. if a man is not after the Lords heart, then he should not be after mine…. I LOVE that. So where should my heart be. Maybe I need to ignore this attention, and be careful how I respond to this attention. Maybe I need my fill to be from God, and not man. Someday I want to be the one to someone. I want to love all the attention from a man that truly wants to love me and only me. But right now growing closer to god. And just to be clear…. attention was what I indulged in, not being intimate. And I’m not giving a excuse for these men. They are responsible for their own actions. But for now on for me, I’m careful with what attention a take and who I give mine to. I no longer need to feel this need, I’m happy with in myself. I will respect myself more and guard myself from this attention. Although excepting the flirt from the guy at the gas station (or wherever) to gross my kids out is still awesome lol. But my indulging for myself can be in a good book, or extra ice cream. Yum!

People are like stained - glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.

Beauty is powerful, may be the most powerful thing on earth. What do you picture in your head when told to or trying to calm down or relax...... A beautiful beach Amazing sunset A meadow Somewhere outside, quiet, enjoying earths beauty..... No one can look at earths beauty and feel nothing. So what is beauty for a woman? I want my beauty to feel the same. I want others to feel my beauty as enjoyable, breath taking, nourishing, comfort, inviting, and that everything is going to be alright. But if i am striving and not at rest in my heart then i am not giving that message. More like what Shakespeare said: muddy, ill-seeming, thick,bereft of beauty. I also think beauty is misunderstood. We work so hard for a visual beauty, but are cold, judgmental, lazy, complain, or just bitter. I was talking to my daughters tonight about this. Complaining about every little thing just because you need something or one to pick on to make you feel better. That is draining to others. You can be a model on the outside but draining to be around is not beauty, and what kind of men are you attracting then? Beauty is not only for the eyes, we listen to beautiful music, we feel it, it's our eyes, form, voice, hearts, spirit, life. Letting go of my bitterness will help me becoming more like the beauty i long for. I want others to feel good around me. Spring cleaning my soul and heart tonight, and refill with more love, confidence, kindness and joy.

Then the time came when the risk it took to reman tight in a bud was more painful then the risk it took to blossom - Anais Nin

My heart has been through so much in this life. So old and scared but also still so young. But what is in a woman’s heart. What does it mean to be a woman? How can I be strong without being harsh, or vulnerable with out drowning in insecurity or sorrow? And this feeling of not being good enough or too much at the same time….. Not pretty, thin, kind, gracious, disciplined enough…. but to emotional, needy, sensitive, strong, opinionated, messy….. Maybe if I was better, what ever that means, life would not be so hard. Maybe I would not struggle so much, and less sorrow in my heart. To be special in a mans eyes and not just lust. Not to be the second place woman, the one not good enough to be by his side, but offers to be a replacement for what he is not getting, or just a fun time. I don’t want to be seen as just a temporary need. And I have this desire to see and understand my heart, because the core of who we are is in our hearts. “Above all else, guard your hearts, for it is the wellspring of life” Prov. 4:23 . So if I want others to see me the ways I want then what do I need to do for myself? Little girls often play princess games and dream of being rescued, and girls/ladies adore love stories, but I don’t fit in this. I was a G.I.Joe as a kid, fighting for freedom and even died a few times. I love and am all about action and horror stories. And don't even get me started on Syfy. I am a woman, but women can also be warriors, not just pretty princess. Look at the women in The Lord of the Rings. They are valiant and beautiful. They help change the fate of Middle Earth. Or Hermione from Harry Potter. Smart and grows into beauty, but stands and fights with her friends till the end. Or Ginny or Molly Weasley. She was a wife and homemaker but would never stand down and fought for her family and even took on Bellatrix Lestrange. Or Sarah from Sarah’s Key, A little girl escaping the Nazis and never gives up to save her little brother. These women, or girls, did not just stay in the kitchen or be used by men. And they are irreplaceable. I love adventures of all kinds. God made my heart this way, but I also want to be beautiful. Sometimes I am ok with being strong and alone, but I think that is because my heart has been so hurt, and I’m tired of being approached the wrong way, or feeling like I am the back up plan. And I know I have made some wrong turns myself. But I want to be an irreplaceable part of a shared adventure. Until God leads that man to me, a man that can pursue me (cause he is single and ready for pursuing) that will have passion and desire for me, I will stand alone. And as I wait, I am embarking on a journey to restore and release this women I am long to be. Discover more of who I am, the woman God made me to be. I am not saying I am not happy. I am so happy and love my life and kids, but have this deep desire to explore more about my heart. Work on thing I need to change or discover. To grow in this passion to be Powerful and Captivating. I want to be stronger and closer to God, and find more of myself and not only to be an example of a independent woman to my daughters but help them on there journeys also. And maybe someday have someone to share this adventure with, but until then I will discover more of me. This is my blog along the way of my new adventure.